Sex is the ultimate playground of sensory experiences. Living as an autistic person, highly sensitive person (HSP), or with ADHD, a sensory processing disorder*, or synesthesia can heighten the experiences of sex or completely overload us. Kink spaces can be a safe-haven for many neurodivergent people as the sensory experience of a play scene can be controlled and predictable, described eloquently by John Pendal. But what if you’re not into kink? Or maybe you’re just starting to think about how your sensory experiences may be impacting your sexuality?

It’s easy to think, “my genitals feel nice!” or “I’m attracted to this person!” or “I love my partner!” therefore, sex should be easeful and hot! But our sensory environment and experiences can be just as impactful, if not more impactful, and we may need to experiment with different ways to change our sensory environment to support our sexual play.

Consider the following:

1. Smell: What kinds of smells do you find enticing? distracting? does it make a difference if it’s on your partner? or in the space your having sex?
2. Taste: Do you notice the flavour of your own mouth? Your partners’ mouths? Do you bite the sheets and notice the laundry detergent flavour? What about the taste of your toys? lubricant? bodily fluids?
3. Sight: Do you like bright lights so you can see everything clearly? Do you prefer low-lighting to relax your eyes? Do you need warm, low-lumen lights or prefer neon colours slowly rotating through the rainbow?
4. Sound: This can be a particularly powerful turn-on or turn-off depending on things like misophonia triggers. Do you need white noise machines or music to drown-out outside/surrounding noises? Would you benefit from trying earplugs with sex? Do you love to hear your partners heavy breathing? Can you change your sex positions to get closer or further from sounds you like or dislike?
5. Touch: Perhaps the sensory experience most often discussed when it comes to sex and the focus of both Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent exercises and Sensate Focus Sex therapy exercises. Do you prefer firm touch, soft touch, or does it depend? Or there certain areas that are painful to touch? Which areas of your body feel especially exciting to touch? Are there places of your body you want to touch slowly and other areas you like to touch quickly?

Something else to notice is if your sensory experience changes as you become more or less aroused. For example, if highly aroused you may enjoy the taste or smell of semen while low-arousal states lead to feeling quite turned-off by the smell and taste. That’s not right/wrong, good/bad, healthy/unhealthy, that is simply true for you and could really change your sex life to know and accommodate!

These are just some reflection questions to get you thinking about how to reflect on your sensory processing and experience of sex!

*the term “disorder” is used here as it may be the language used by some people who require a diagnosis for insurance purposes or are searching for information about their experience in language they suspect will help them find the information they are looking for. The language of “disorder” when it comes to sensory-processing experiences may be validating as it honours the ways in which sensory experiences can be overwhelming/disruptive to daily-living while also being language that is stigmatizing in other ways by suggesting a heightened sensitivity to sensory experiences is inherently “bad,” “wrong,” or unhealthy in some way. I do not see sensory processing sensitivity as disordered, rather, as a super-power that can be difficult to navigate in a world that is often antagonistic toward this super-power. Jenara Nerenberg’s book Divergent Mind takes a look at the use of language in detail and is valuable reading for those interested in exploring language to describe these debates and experiences.